I am doing you a favour. You're welcome.
In case you were wondering, it's May 12. You're welcome again. That's a Sunday.
Here are some things that you might want to consider getting your mother/the mother of your kids. If you are getting gifts for both your mum and your wife, please make sure the one for your wife is bigger, better, or shinier. If you have young kids, you may like to get them to make a card. Mothers are suckers for things like that. But make sure the card isn't the only thing or her voice saying "That's it?" will haunt you till the next Mothers Day.
You know what she wants, what she really really wants, is just 10 undisturbed minutes in the toilet without anyone banging on the door, right? And sleeping in till 830am without hearing "Mama?" Or crashing of any sort, right? But since those are impossible gifts, I thought you might like some ideas.
The aeroplane means "holiday" by the way. But sure if you can afford to buy your wife a private jet, by all means, be my guest. Flowers are good but tricky. If your wife is the thrifty kind, you might face her sour face and a snappy "Why did you waste money on flowers; they're so expensive on Mothers Day". So buy them a week before and keep them. Giving her brown flowers and explaining why they're brown will score you major points. Or not. Like I said, flowers are tricky.
Breakfast in bed is a lovely idea. But only if the present includes you/the kids washing up. Wait, let me rephrase. The kids wash up because it's so sweet, right? And then you do round 2 because they're likely to leave a mess around the sink and the dishes are likely to still be oily. Yes, a lovely present indeed. Perhaps a photo of the kids smiling? That would be nice too. Make sure to wipe all traces of food and grime away from the corners of their mouths; we already see that everyday so it might be nice to have a picture of clean kids.
You may think money is a sensitive gift but I'm sure your wife will be happier receiving a gift of cash than anything from the following category:
What's perhaps more important is what you absolutely shouldn't get. Books are good but keep the topics light unless you know what she likes. Anything that starts with "How to be a Better_____" is out of the question, as is "Do-It-Yourself______". Also nothing that would "make her everyday life easier" like a new toilet scrubbing brush or non-stick frying pan. Get them at post Mothers Day sales instead.
Anything exercise related is a no-no, and they will hurt very much when hurled at your head. Diet pills, well, unless you don't value your life. Teddy bears or any stuffed furry things: "Why do we need another useless dust trap?" 'Nuff said. While we're at it, past year's experiences must have taught you that chainsaws, tyre jacks and hammers do not make good Mothers Day presents. And nothing toilet related like Toilet Duck. And do I really need to specify 'nothing from Challenger or Funan the IT Mall?
So Daddies, think you could manage being on your own this year?
Mummies, you're welcome.
Ps I've already pre-ordered my present. I've filled up the order form and all Max has to do is click 'submit order' and when it arrives, I'll pretend to be surprised and we'll all have an excellent Mothers Day.
If you're wondering about the drawings: I've so been inspired by this mum. Her writing is hilarious and her drawings sometimes make me pee in my pants. But before you go all copycat-kiss-the-rat on me, you may like to read her FAQ page where she states that she 'is not the first ever human to draw pictures', and that she too was inspired by and accused of copying someone else.